General Jokes 🃏

Maurice Earp said:
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Click to expand...
"Mom? Cheerios? raking the yard"? Tut, tut dear boy. Queens English please!
 
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
 
Isn't it incredible how many pigs die whilst eating an apple.......
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any Paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!
Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f**k out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
 
Old woman goes into a super market to buy a couple of tins of cat food, the girl at the checkout says "sorry you can't buy that without proof that you have a cat, because some pensioners are eating it". So she goes and comes back with the cat and purchases the cat food. A day or two later she returns for dog food, same answer "sorry you can't buy that without proof that you have a dog, because some pensioners are eating it". Brings the dog in. A further day passes and the pensioner returns with a box. She says to girl on the checkout, "Put your hand in there", "no...!! there might be a rat or a snake in there" the girl said, "it's quite safe" the pensioner said. So the girl puts her hand in the box " oh god, that's feels like s**t". Yes, can I have 4 toilet rolls please.:poop::poop::poop::poop:
 
A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling £95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 
The devil is in the details….

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

"It was my Sternum that was crushed". :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
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Had a few beers with a mate in the pub last night. Just before closing time, he got a text message from his girlfriend to say she was breaking up with him.
I sympathised and said I'd get another round in and some shots to drown his sorrows. He swallowed down the remnants of his beer, handed me the glass and said

"Do you know, whenever I'm down, you're there. If I have problems, you're there.
When things in my Iife go wrong, you're there. Let's face it - you're a fcuking jinx........."
 
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain .
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
 
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True story this...
Bloke went into Sports Direct on Monday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly:
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, some anal beads and a gimp mask.
"We are a sports shop." Said the assistant.
So, on Thursday, he went in and asked for some love eggs and a whip.
Always with the same reply.
Today as he went in, the assistant took him to one side and said. "Mate, you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the f**k do you really want?"
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.He summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said. "Can I have a Swindon home shirt please?" :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
When I was in the garden this afternoon, I overheard the woman next door telling the neighbour on the other side that she thought I was “a bit of a looker”.


Well, voyeur was the actual word......
 
I went on a barge holiday, I didn’t have a boat I just pushed people in the canal
 
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