General Jokes 🃏
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mariokempes
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I told my neighbour that I had just finished making a detailed model of Mount Everest.
He said, 'Is it to scale?'
I said 'No, just to look at'.
He said, 'Is it to scale?'
I said 'No, just to look at'.
Surreal Madrid
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- 7 Dec 2017
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I found an old Viagra tablet at the back of the bathroom cabinet. When I tried it, it didn't work. Must have been past its swell by date..
mariokempes
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- 682
What do you call a one legged Chinaman ?
Taiwan Shu
Taiwan Shu
My m8 Dave’s the kind of bloke that gets mega stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” i asked him.
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied.
“Only cost me a grand a week”.
“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“Fu-k knows. That’s his problem!!!….
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” i asked him.
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied.
“Only cost me a grand a week”.
“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“Fu-k knows. That’s his problem!!!….
Oxymoron
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Did you know that if you heat an empty beer bottle in hot water and then place your ball sac on the open top, as the bottle cools down your testicles will slowly be sucked inside!
If you did know this and know how to get them out again, please msg me - it's quite urgent....
If you did know this and know how to get them out again, please msg me - it's quite urgent....
Maurice Earp
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- 6 Dec 2017
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- 1,908
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good.
Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage
her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate
her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even
par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite
her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble
that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in
the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good.
Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage
her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate
her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even
par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite
her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble
that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in
the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
boogaloo
Active member
- Joined
- 14 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 426
Insightful Michael Owen-isms
1. “If there’s a bit of rain about, it makes the surface wet.”
2. “What a feeling it is to be a manager and bring someone on.”
3. “Footballers these days often have to use their feet.”
4. “I love these players with two feet.”
5. “Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing up front.”
6. “Whichever team scores more goals usually wins.”
7. “When they don’t score they hardly ever win.”
8. “It’s a good run, but it’s a poor run, if you know what I mean?”
9. “That shot is impossible. I saw Yaya Toure do it once.”
10. “That’s simple as…simple.”
11. “Alderweireld played really well last year for Tottenham, let’s hope he can transfer that form to Spurs this season.”
12. “To stay in the game, you have to stay in the game.”
13. “You have to believe your own eyes, don’t you?”
1. “If there’s a bit of rain about, it makes the surface wet.”
2. “What a feeling it is to be a manager and bring someone on.”
3. “Footballers these days often have to use their feet.”
4. “I love these players with two feet.”
5. “Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing up front.”
6. “Whichever team scores more goals usually wins.”
7. “When they don’t score they hardly ever win.”
8. “It’s a good run, but it’s a poor run, if you know what I mean?”
9. “That shot is impossible. I saw Yaya Toure do it once.”
10. “That’s simple as…simple.”
11. “Alderweireld played really well last year for Tottenham, let’s hope he can transfer that form to Spurs this season.”
12. “To stay in the game, you have to stay in the game.”
13. “You have to believe your own eyes, don’t you?”
Oxymoron
Well-known member
- Joined
- 7 Dec 2017
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- 2,792
Now this isn't politically correct, but it made me laugh.
A dwarf meets an attractive woman in a bar and they go back to her place. As they are getting down and dirty, the front door opens.
"It's my husband!" hisses the woman. "He always takes a shower when he gets in, so hang out the window and then you can get away when he goes to the bathroom"
So the dwarf climbs out and hangs by his fingers from the window ledge but before he can climb back in, he loses his grip and plummets to the ground.
Next day and feeling guilty, the woman visits him in hospital and asks how he is. "I've two broken ankles and a dislocated hip" says the dwarf. "That's awful" says the woman "but it could have been so much worse"
"How the hell could it be worse?" says the dwarf.
"Well" she said "we've only just moved into a bungalow....."
A dwarf meets an attractive woman in a bar and they go back to her place. As they are getting down and dirty, the front door opens.
"It's my husband!" hisses the woman. "He always takes a shower when he gets in, so hang out the window and then you can get away when he goes to the bathroom"
So the dwarf climbs out and hangs by his fingers from the window ledge but before he can climb back in, he loses his grip and plummets to the ground.
Next day and feeling guilty, the woman visits him in hospital and asks how he is. "I've two broken ankles and a dislocated hip" says the dwarf. "That's awful" says the woman "but it could have been so much worse"
"How the hell could it be worse?" says the dwarf.
"Well" she said "we've only just moved into a bungalow....."
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bazzer9461
God like member
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- 6 Dec 2017
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- 40,519
And I bet he was having a Barclays when Angela Raynor crossed her legs.
Maurice Earp
Well-known member
- Joined
- 6 Dec 2017
- Messages
- 1,908
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques.
None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him.
Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles ---terminal blue balls. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times.
Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room immediately stilled.
The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one."
After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope replied, "Big tits!"
None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him.
Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles ---terminal blue balls. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times.
Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room immediately stilled.
The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one."
After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope replied, "Big tits!"