General Jokes 🃏

Maurice Earp said:
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors who were all quite skilled in the latest medical techniques.
None of them could figure out how to cure him, or even what ailed him.
Finally, a wise old physician was brought in. After an hour he came out and told the cardinals that the bad news was that the Pope had a difficult disorder of the testicles ---terminal blue balls. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex a couple of times.
Well, of course this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope himself with the doctor and explained the situation.
After some thought, the Pope stated, "I reluctantly agree, but only under four very strict conditions."
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there came a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room immediately stilled.
The Pope replied, "First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if she somehow figures it all out, she can tell no one."
After another long pause, a voice finally asked, "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope replied, "Big tits!"
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Mike Read 🤣
 
Mr and Mrs John Wayne Bobbit in America became infamous as he was being unfaithful, his wife took revenge and cut his cock off.
She was arrested and as we know in America there is a tv channel just for court cases.
The prosecution basked Mrs Bobbit “ what did you do with your husbands cock after you had severed it?”
She replied “ I was driving down the freeway when I realised I had my husbands Severed cock in my left hand, so I wound down the window and threw his cock out.”
The cock landed on the windscreen of the car behind which happened to have two Irish passengers in and Paddy said to Murphy “ be Jesus look at the size of the cock on that fly”
 
I sent to the pet shop the other day to by a fish.

The guy said ‘Do you want an aquarium?’

I said Im not really bothered what star sign it is...
 
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.
On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
 
Bloke down the pub has just been rubbishing a documentary he saw about Swindon.

He said he was born and bred in the town and counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on the fingers of one hand...
 
A man walks into to a hospital and asks to see the nurse. She incurs him in to the cubicle band draws the curtain behind her.
She asks what’s the problem and the man replies “ you won’t laugh, you promise me you won’t laugh?”
“ the nurse replied “ sir I’ve been a professional nurse for 25 years and in all that time I have never and will never laugh at a patient, you have my word “
“ ok “ said the man, and with that he dropped his trouser and pants and the nurse looked and saw what was the smallest cow is she had ever see not even as big as a triple A battery.
The nurse started to giggle and within a minute she is rolling around on the floor absolutely balling her eyes out with laughter. About 5 minutes later she dragged herself up if the floor and slowly composed herself and apologised profoundly.
Then the nurse asks the man “ what is the problem?”
The man replied…….” It’s swollen “
 
bazzer9461 said:
A man walks into to a hospital and asks to see the nurse. She incurs him in to the cubicle band draws the curtain behind her.
She asks what’s the problem and the man replies “ you won’t laugh, you promise me you won’t laugh?”
“ the nurse replied “ sir I’ve been a professional nurse for 25 years and in all that time I have never and will never laugh at a patient, you have my word “
“ ok “ said the man, and with that he dropped his trouser and pants and the nurse looked and saw what was the smallest cow is she had ever see not even as big as a triple A battery.
The nurse started to giggle and within a minute she is rolling around on the floor absolutely balling her eyes out with laughter. About 5 minutes later she dragged herself up if the floor and slowly composed herself and apologised profoundly.
Then the nurse asks the man “ what is the problem?”
The man replied…….” It’s swollen “
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I reckon I'd laugh if I saw a cow the size of battery in someone's pants :)
 
Sad news. My wife left me last night. She said it's because, because, because, because, because. Because of my obsession with 'The Wizard of Oz'
 
Two Irish kids sitting in there classroom, the teacher comes in and writes contagious on the whiteboard and say’s “right you two can you give me a sentence that contains the the word contagious in it “. Michael puts his hand up and said” my mummy said that my sister had the measles and it was contagious”. “Very good “said the teacher, “a round of applause for Michael “ . “ Right Jimmy can you think of a sentence with contagious in it “. “Yes” said Jimmy ,” my mummy said my daddy can’t mow the lawn any more because it took the contagious “…….
 
63 and pregnant
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.
After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her
story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown
children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
 
I came home to my new Chinese girlfriend. She was looking lovely and I felt horny so I asked her if she liked a 69. She said yes and always enjoyed it whenever she had it.
I started to take my clothes and she asked me what I was doing.
I said I was preparing for a 69. She asked me where the chicken, park Choi, onions, bean sprouts, eggs and rice, and soy sauce was.
I thought she was being kinky.
Asked her what she had in mind.
She said I asked for a 69 and that was a chicken chop suey with egg fried rice.
 
Maurice Earp said:
I came home to my new Chinese girlfriend. She was looking lovely and I felt horny so I asked her if she liked a 69. She said yes and always enjoyed it whenever she had it.
I started to take my clothes and she asked me what I was doing.
I said I was preparing for a 69. She asked me where the chicken, park Choi, onions, bean sprouts, eggs and rice, and soy sauce was.
I thought she was being kinky.
Asked her what she had in mind.
She said I asked for a 69 and that was a chicken chop suey with egg fried rice.
Click to expand...
Is that the same Chinese bird who got divorced? She went back to Peking and her ex went back to w*****g
 
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing
in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
 
Just taken a phone call from a guy who asked if I had ever paid for PPI.

I told him I was married, so I don’t have to pay for that sort of thing....
 
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