General Jokes 🃏

Last night, I watched a David Attenborough documentary on marijuana.


I think all his documentaries should be watched like that...
 
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A little girl is walking her dog, when a priest comes along and says,
"Hello, little girl. What's your name?"
She says, "Rosepetal."
He says, "That's a nice name."
She says, "Yeah. When I was a little baby a rose petal fell on my head
and my daddy's called me Rosepetal ever since."
The priest says, "That's so nice. Is this your doggy?"
She says, "Yeah."
The priest says, "What's his name?"
She says, "Porky."
He says, "Oh, I guess he likes to eat pork."
She says, "No. He likes to f*ck pigs."
 
A red indian chief leads his braces to a fort held by the cavalry.
He looks to one of his braves and says “ how many soldiers in fort “
With that the brave laid out n the ground with his ear to the floor looking at the fort and then jumps up and says “ 30 big chief “
The chief replies “ how many guns “
With that the brave laid on the ground with his ear to the ground looking at the fort and gets up and says “ 30 rifles and 12 hand guns big chief “
The chief then replies “ how many horses “
Again the brave lays on the ground with his ear to the floor looking at the fort and gets up and says
“ 26 big chief “
The chief says brave you are very good but how do you know these things? “ the brave replies “ well you see the crack under the door……….”
 
Beastie Boys are set to release a 5 part Anthology

Parts A-D are FREE

You have to fight for your right to Part E
 
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Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.
Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.
At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil's testicles fell to the floor,
and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it.
The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse's desk and realised it was
the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil's scrotum and completed the operation.
A few months later, Phil returned for a check-up. When the doctor asked how things were going.
Phil replied, "Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife's not pregnant,
but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love,
my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water;
and whenever I pass a burger stand, I have an erection."
 
Airport security are getting concerned at the increasing number of passengers carrying helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…..
 
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the Horse whinnied for the Chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the Horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his Hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

(Yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".


https://go.safelifetips.com/4db6805...rQ8gjMQfycdqMTlBuUZbxjtCrSCDS9FcosOH8jNWDv6AU
 
With the high temperatures we are experiencing at the moment, please spare a thought for the staff working in Gregg's right now.


Must be baking in there....
 
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write SPAGHETTI on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort his wife and asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
 
When I was in a rehab home recovering from breaking both ankles, young aides would come around twice a day with a clipboard,
often in the group physical therapy room, and quietly whisper to each patient "Did you have a bowel movement today"?
Embarrassed patients would usually either nod or shake their heads.

One day after my first successful engagement with the toilet, I responded with glee. "Did I, you bet and you could have cut it in
half, counted the rings and sold it on eBay!"

This time the aide showed embarrassment.
 
The other day my neighbor came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins.
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said that was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!
 
Net a bird in the pub the other night and started chatting. Without realising we were getting famously l, and she invited me back to hers.
As we undressed she threw a condom at me and asked me to put it on, I thought bloody but a shag is a shag. When I took it out of the packet it had all nibbly things, ribbed and feathers I said to her “ what’s all this then?”
She replied “ it gives more pleasure “
I thought sod that so I turned it inside out why should she have all the fun?
 
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