General Jokes 🃏

During a funeral, the organist played a beautiful rendition of Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze" as the casket was
carried out of the church. After the service, the minister complimented him on his performance.
"Oh, by the way," the minister asked, "Do you know what the deceased did for a living?"
"No idea," said the organist as he began packing up.
The minister smiled, "He was a butcher."
 
True story that made me laugh :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
An atheist organisation in Kenya is looking for a new secretary – after the incumbent ‘found Jesus’.

The Atheists in Kenya Society, based in the country’s capital Nairobi, announced the resignation of Seth Mahiga on Saturday evening.

Its president Harrison Mumia said: ‘Seth’s reason for resigning is that he has found Jesus Christ and is no longer interested in promoting atheism in Kenya.

‘We wish Seth all the best in his new-found relationship with Jesus Christ. We thank him for having served the society with dedication over the last one and a half years.’

The society's facebook page had previously announced the news with a post stating: 'It's a sad day for AIK. Our secretary has resigned saying he's found Jesus. Lol!'

The Atheists in Kenya Society’s Twitter page shared a ‘surreal’ video purporting to be Mr Mahiga speaking at a church service.

‘I’ve been going through some difficulties in life, and then I decided to resign as secretary. I am very happy to be here,’ Mr Mahiga tells the congregation.

About 750,000 Kenyans identify as atheists, according to a government survey conducted last year while 83 per cent of the country’s 47.6 million population are Christian.

The Atheists in Kenya Society was founded in 2016 to promote secularism. The Kenyan government initially refused to register it on the basis that it would damage ‘peace, welfare or good order in Kenya’, sparking international condemnation and a High Court battle.
 
I've been diagnosed with CDO.

It's a form of OCD, but the letters are alphabetised - AS THEY SHOULD BE......
 
A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.
Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!
"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"
"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"
 
A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
 
I've built a model of Mount Everest but it's not to scale.



It's just to look at.....
 
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There was a knock on my door and when I answered, it was the DHL delivery guy.

“Excuse me mate, I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour” he said.

"You’ve got the wrong house" I replied......
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
 
Just been chucked out of B&Q
Looking around the gardening stuff and a guy walked up and said
“Excuse me but do you want Decking”
I thought, cheeky sod so I got the first one in !
In Court Thursday
 
Competition Time. Who said "I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee?"
Answers on a postcard to: Muhammad Ali Competition, PO Box 585, London.
 
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence” says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence…I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” said the farmer. “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different cock,” he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!”
 
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