General Jokes 🃏

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor said, "I know that you are not married!
Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of 'Baked
Beans', would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"
 
Apparently this is no joke :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:

An 99 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to France before.
He admitted he had indeed been here previously.
The lady sarcastically said "then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir".
The gentleman replied "I didn't have to show it last time"
"Impossible!" The woman snapped, "You British have always had to show your passports to get through here!"
The man responded by whispering, "Well my dear, when I came ashore on the beach on D Day in 1944,
I couldn't find any f*****g Frenchmen to show it to!"
 
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who
is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
 
An elderly and not overly smart man took his very much younger date to
see a movie. Instead of watching the movie though, they were kissing,
hugging and fondling each other. As things got more heated by
the moment the man's very expensive toupee got knocked off.
Of course, right away he started trying to find it and in the dark, his
hand accidentally got in under his date's dress.
She, feeling quite aroused by all the kissing and such, breathed into
his ear "That's it........that's it!". The man thinks for a second and
then replies, "Hell, it couldn't be!
I had mine parted on the side!
 
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
 
One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.
"How lovely, dear," she said, "What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."
The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and
explained that he wanted to make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his
wife's answer was no. Finally, he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his
wife.
"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"
"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."
 
How many board members would be interested in staging a puppet show without any puppets?


Let's have a show of hands.........
 
My youngest has just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom.

He said "Dad, what's love juice?"

After nearly choking on my beer, I thought I'd better be honest and said
"Son, when a woman gets sexually excited, her vagina gets wet, and that's love juice."

He just stared back at me in total bewilderment.

I said "Anyway, what the f**k are you watching up there?"

He said "Wimbledon dad."
 
I'm giving up drinking until Christmas.

Oops sorry, wrong punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking until Christmas.
 
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After suffering with joint pain, I decided to seek professional help.

Turns out I was holding the lit end.....
 
Over the last couple of months, a man become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping at One of the local Shopping Centres.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of Eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket.

You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

The man had his wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th.
Also on January 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
 
Maurice Earp said:
Over the last couple of months, a man become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping at One of the local Shopping Centres.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of Eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket.

You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

The man had his wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th.
Also on January 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
Click to expand...
Jeez @Maurice Earp i thought you was going to keep that to yourself?
 
My mate has patented a procedure for performing plastic surgery on pheasants.

He thinks it's going to be a real game changer....
 
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A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A £50.00 per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for £5.00."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
 

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern, talking about the night they had with their wives...​

The Human smirks as he says "Damn, but I had fun last night. I f**ked my wife good last night, about seven times... When we woke up this morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite meals all day."
The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds, "Well, I only made love four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new ecstatic experience. When we awoke this morning, she said we'd spend the rest
of our days together and would surprise me again tonight.."
The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently. After an uncomfortable time of being stared at by the other two, he finally says "Fine, fine. My wife and I had intercourse once last night."
The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks, "Pray, tell us what she said to you this morning."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says, "She said... Please, Honey, don't stop now..."
 
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