General Jokes 🃏

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

_"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_

The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_

_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_

The husband began:

_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_

_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_

_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_

_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_

_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_

_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_

_"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her.

I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_

The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:

_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”🤣🤣
 
It's just been announced that I am the latest winner of the "Most Secretive Person of the Year" award.



I can't tell you what that means to me.....
 
At the time of typing this the temperature is 30 Deg C +... people moaning
Just think, it could be worse, it could be snowing,
Imagine clearing the snow in this heat!!!
 
I recently spent £6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
 
Keir Starmer appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," Starmer offered.
"On a trip to an Indian restaurants in Durham, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s**t out of all of you!' "
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
 
Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day.
One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them.
So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door.
Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man's voice saying, "Blind man."
Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open the door.
The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
 
My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.


We're going to tell them this evening over dinner....
 
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The Milkman Postman and a Dustman were discussing Christmas tips and decided to meet in the pub to compare how they'd done. That evening over a pint the Milkman says You know that Gorgeous woman at number 8 she gave me £10. The Postman says she made love to me for 4 hours, The Dustman says that's incredible as we made mad passionate love for 4 hours.
Annoyed and very jealous the Milkman decided to go talk with the woman and asked her why she had made love with the other 2. Well she said when talking with my Husband about what to do about Christmas tips he told me Give the first one £10 and Fu*k the rest.
 
An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know s**t?:ROFLMAO::LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL:
 
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