General Jokes 🃏

An oldie!!!
A woman was very concerned that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did a s she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my god, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look edzachary like your ass.'..... ed zachary. :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 
The roof of the shed was damaged in the gales but my kind neighbour gave me a waterproof cover to use until I could repair it.

Ta Pauline
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..”
How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.”
 
Just been sacked from my job as a hospital porter....They accused me of pushing people around.
 
After advertising a trip to a local strip club, the innuendo society has reported a huge rise in it's members......
 
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door:
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of sheight over my carpet and said, “if this vacuum doesn’t remove every trace of it I’ll personally eat what’s left”.
I replied “I hope your hungry because they cut off my electric this morning”.
 
It all started when I had to change a lightbulb.

On my way to the shops, I saw a frog going into the library and got followed across the road by a chicken.

Coming back, I popped into the pub where I bumped into an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman being served drinks by a barman with no arms or legs.

No sooner had I got home than there was a knock-knock at my door and it was my neighbour’s kid, little Johnny.

It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.
 
Believe it or not I got my wicked way with Kylie Minogue yesterday, what a women, my hands went everywhere but I think there’s 2 things you should no. 1st what a sexy body and second the staff at Madame Tussaud’s have zero sense of humour .
 
Brought chicken to make a sandwich but it doesn’t it just sheights on the floor
 
Please keep my family in your thoughts. We found out that my uncle is addicted to viagra. My aunt has been taking it hard.
 
Sweating when you've got to put fuel in the car, feeling sick when you have to pay for it, you have carownervirus.
 
My wife left me for a fisherman, i was gutted, I'm still reeling, she was quite a catch, i miss Anette.
 
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh, that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time
 
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